Holidays are almost always associated with family, socializing, and friends. But what happens when we lose one of those people? Whether it was this year or a previous year, holidays are triggers for grief, a reminder of someone we wish we could still be celebrating with.
And the world is full of antidotes about how ‘time heals all wounds’ and you just ‘need to fill that hole with something else.’ But that really isn’t true. This time of year can bring back that sting of loss - it is usually more significant in years closer to the time of loss and may fade over time to more of a sting and wish they were here again. But it doesn’t seem to ever really go away. Loss is a double sided coin - we feel the grief over losing our loved one and wish we could continue to make new memories with them, but we also are holding onto all the wonderful memories we already have.
We feel loss so acutely because we have loved so deeply; and that love hasn’t gone away. Nor will it.
Here are are some things you can do to help with grief this holiday season:
Keep up with traditions. Sometimes we don’t want to continue the same traditions because they feel too painful without our loved one. However, this could be detrimental to us because now not only is the loved one no longer here to celebrate the holidays with us, but all the other things we used to do are gone too. It’s hard enough to try to heal from the pain of grief of a person let alone the pain of grief and change in removing those traditions. So keep doing them; the familiar involvement in those traditions can actually be helpful in healing because they wrap you in a sense of love and comfort associated with those traditions and the memories they bring.
Keep a plate in their honor. Just because a person’s body isn’t with us, doesn’t mean they aren’t. And if it means that much to you, set a place at the table for them. Put their picture there (or at least somewhere!). You are already feeling the ‘hole’ of them not being there, does it really matter if there’s a space at the table among other people? Probably not. This could actually help to facilitate our next tip…
Talk about memories of them. One of our greatest gifts is the ability to communicate. Specifically the ability to communicate stories - which is one way to look at memories. Sharing memories with others of your loved one can help you feel as though their spirit is still around and can help you remember cherished times with them. A healing factor in loss is the love that was shared and experienced. You still have those memories, in spite of the double sided coin that you can’t make new ones. So share the old ones; remember the good experiences you had.
Donate in their name. Some people feel a sense of honor in being able to help others. Donating in your loved one’s name can help you feel as though their legacy continues to live in spite of their body no longer being here.
Grief and holidays are never easy and when others are in a mood of cheer, it can feel isolating to be in pain. There's so many people that have experienced loss though, and it's possible to eventually enjoy the holidays again. These tips can help.
Please remember though, if the pain of loss is severe, seeking help through attending therapy or a grief support group would be more beneficial.
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